I have been in the process of writing this post for what seems a lifetime. Most likely sometime this evening there will have been 1 million views on this blog. That is SO hard to believe. Maybe it is time to take a break. I’m not sure. Either way, for me, here is what it really is about:
Dear Zion, Jacoba and Zekijah.
I wish things were different.
I wish that you didn’t have to grow up so fast. Zion, you get understandably angry when you hear about people either separating or divorcing. You tell me that it doesn’t make sense. You tell me this, not because you are a regular 6 year old that doesn’t understand the concept, but because you are an irregular 6 year old that DOES understand the concept. You teach me. You have a vision and perspective that even many adults don’t have. You come home from school with art pieces after art pieces about the things that you and I do together. That is SO important to me. I love you. Please keep eating your vegetables.
Jacoba, your beauty and ability to light up a room (and my each and every day) is just like the way your Mom used to do it. You are 5 now, and the fact is, you adore me. And the fact is also that I adore you. If that adoration must change, I hope it will evolve in public expression only and not in spirit. I love you. Please keep that spunk.
Zekijah, soon you will be 3. Your Mom died when you were 1.5. You have lived nearly half your life without a Mom. Your athletic prowess and ability to communicate exactly what you want is a gift from your Mom. You are a rainbow to me. Already at such a young age you have her ability to bring forth a joke that makes the listener think. I love you. Please keep spicing up our lives.
Children, when your Mom got cancer, our goal was to beat it. And that goal was because we wanted Her to live to see you grow up. You need Her, we thought. And we were right.
When your Mom knew She was dying, I told Her that She would raise you through me. I believe that this is proving to be true.
And children, at the end of the day, your Mom and I were faced with a question that one day we ALL will face:
Are you strong enough to do this on your own?
And children, our answer was a resounding, clear, no.
We need Peace. We need our family. We need a community. We need each other. I need you. And thankfully, you need me.
You have a loving, caring community. You have an unshakable family. You have me. I have you. You have Jesus. The only way I can explain why all three of you are contributing well to your surrounding regardless of what happened to you is that you are full of grace. Grace.
Our days are busy now but children, today I am with you. I go through my days now understanding that tomorrow will be easier for us. We will be more mature, can handle things better/different and will still have. Without taking anything from the spirit and presence of today, I look forward to tomorrow. And Children, one day there won’t be another tomorrow. The last one will have come. And I plan on being with you on that day as well.
Thank you for being with me.