I’ve thought a lot about what I said to Mendelt when I said ‘I don’t see God in this.” 

Here is how I do see God in this:

The blog, the people that pray for us, the people that prepare meals for us, that people that send us flowers, the people that send us gifts, the people that send us emails of encouragement, the people that came to the party, that people that wished they could have come to the party, the people that send cards to my parents and Mendelt’s parents, the people that send them flowers and meals and pray for them, the uncles and aunts that call to see how I’m doing or write on the blog.  When, last year, our quilting group made up pink and white squares to send off to a quilt store where they would make a quilt with ours and other people’s blocks because it was Ocotber, breast cancer awareness month.  As a group we talked about breast cancer and who can all get it and it reminded me that–oh, I’m just finished nursing Zekijah, I should do a self examination.  And the list goes on.

Here is how I don’t see God:

When the oncologist comes into our room and can’t make eye contact because he has bad news for us, when 5 procedures don’t work and our oncologist has to tell us this, how my cancer spread so fast even though I did everything I should have done so that I wouldn’t get breast cancer or would catch it early enough, when we were blessed with 3 young kids and were just starting our family.  When my little baby couldn’t have a mom that could give her that attention she needed.

How I still believe in God and how I can’t believe that people don’t believe in God:

The sun comes up every morning and it sets every evening, an amazingly intricate flower grows every summer–from a SEED virtually all by itself, the stars in the sky are placed just so, into constellations–and that happened by a big bang?, a baby is conceived–that in itself is a miracle because the chances of that happening are slim, a baby DEVELOPS in his/her mother’s womb!, a baby is delivered (after a mother goes through contractions–necessary for the baby to be born) and how many times things all go how they should, you hold your CHILD in your arms for the first time and look at him/her and can’t believe it’s YOURS–your DNA is in him/her!!  How can you call that just science?  And then there is God.  He requires NOTHING of us except a relationship.  He WANTS to be our Father, he WANTS us to be His children, He WANTS to know our heart’s desire, He WANTS to know our troubles, etc.  Who in the world expects nothing in return except a relationship?? 

I could go on, but I will leave you with a story.

I visited my sister Christy this weekend in Orangeville (the big OV).  We went shopping for an afternoon because I had some birthday money to spend and Christy was more than happy to accompany me.  🙂  Well, it was the end of our shopping excursion and we had to go to a drug store yet to try and get a Fragmin needle for me because–typical me–I had forgotten them at home in Vineland!!  We had tried earlier in the day at a Shopper’s, but the pharmacist said she couldn’t help us because I didn’t have a prescription.  So, I had just decided to skip the needle for that night.  Then, at the last store that Christy and I were shopping in, I opened my wallet to pay for something and low and behold, I found a prescription for Fragmin needles!!  Our thrombosis doctor had given it to me just in case!  THAT was God, because a couple of days earlier I saw the prescription on our telephone counter and I thought….I’ll just put this in my pocket just in case and just so I’ll know where it is).  So, Christy and I quickly exited the store and I stuffed my wallet in my coat pocket because I didn’t want to loose it (I didn’t do the zipper of my coat pocket up…).  We drove the the nearest Shoppers and tried to fill the prescription.  As I was getting out of the car, and looking for my wallet, I couldn’t find it!!!  I was SURE I put it in my pocket, but it wasn’t there anymore!  So, we searched our bags, couldn’t find it.  I wanted to cry.  But, Christy said, no problem, I’ll quickly drive back to the mall and run back to our last store and see if it’s there.  I still wanted to cry.  As we were pulling out of the parking space, Christy said–hey, did it fall out of your pocket in between the seat?  I put my hand down and voila!!!!  It was there!  THAT was God.  Eventually we got my needles (a costly mistake) and I had the joy of taking it at night.  🙂  I was secretly going to be glad if we couldn’t find any fragmin needles because then I wouldn’t have had to do my needle…but that may have been dangerous.

So, I do see God and I do still believe in God.  I just want to live to serve Him.

Peace and love,

Marisa

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