I’ve thought a lot about what I said to Mendelt when I said ‘I don’t see God in this.”
Here is how I do see God in this:
The blog, the people that pray for us, the people that prepare meals for us, that people that send us flowers, the people that send us gifts, the people that send us emails of encouragement, the people that came to the party, that people that wished they could have come to the party, the people that send cards to my parents and Mendelt’s parents, the people that send them flowers and meals and pray for them, the uncles and aunts that call to see how I’m doing or write on the blog. When, last year, our quilting group made up pink and white squares to send off to a quilt store where they would make a quilt with ours and other people’s blocks because it was Ocotber, breast cancer awareness month. As a group we talked about breast cancer and who can all get it and it reminded me that–oh, I’m just finished nursing Zekijah, I should do a self examination. And the list goes on.
Here is how I don’t see God:
When the oncologist comes into our room and can’t make eye contact because he has bad news for us, when 5 procedures don’t work and our oncologist has to tell us this, how my cancer spread so fast even though I did everything I should have done so that I wouldn’t get breast cancer or would catch it early enough, when we were blessed with 3 young kids and were just starting our family. When my little baby couldn’t have a mom that could give her that attention she needed.
How I still believe in God and how I can’t believe that people don’t believe in God:
The sun comes up every morning and it sets every evening, an amazingly intricate flower grows every summer–from a SEED virtually all by itself, the stars in the sky are placed just so, into constellations–and that happened by a big bang?, a baby is conceived–that in itself is a miracle because the chances of that happening are slim, a baby DEVELOPS in his/her mother’s womb!, a baby is delivered (after a mother goes through contractions–necessary for the baby to be born) and how many times things all go how they should, you hold your CHILD in your arms for the first time and look at him/her and can’t believe it’s YOURS–your DNA is in him/her!! How can you call that just science? And then there is God. He requires NOTHING of us except a relationship. He WANTS to be our Father, he WANTS us to be His children, He WANTS to know our heart’s desire, He WANTS to know our troubles, etc. Who in the world expects nothing in return except a relationship??
I could go on, but I will leave you with a story.
I visited my sister Christy this weekend in Orangeville (the big OV). We went shopping for an afternoon because I had some birthday money to spend and Christy was more than happy to accompany me. 🙂 Well, it was the end of our shopping excursion and we had to go to a drug store yet to try and get a Fragmin needle for me because–typical me–I had forgotten them at home in Vineland!! We had tried earlier in the day at a Shopper’s, but the pharmacist said she couldn’t help us because I didn’t have a prescription. So, I had just decided to skip the needle for that night. Then, at the last store that Christy and I were shopping in, I opened my wallet to pay for something and low and behold, I found a prescription for Fragmin needles!! Our thrombosis doctor had given it to me just in case! THAT was God, because a couple of days earlier I saw the prescription on our telephone counter and I thought….I’ll just put this in my pocket just in case and just so I’ll know where it is). So, Christy and I quickly exited the store and I stuffed my wallet in my coat pocket because I didn’t want to loose it (I didn’t do the zipper of my coat pocket up…). We drove the the nearest Shoppers and tried to fill the prescription. As I was getting out of the car, and looking for my wallet, I couldn’t find it!!! I was SURE I put it in my pocket, but it wasn’t there anymore! So, we searched our bags, couldn’t find it. I wanted to cry. But, Christy said, no problem, I’ll quickly drive back to the mall and run back to our last store and see if it’s there. I still wanted to cry. As we were pulling out of the parking space, Christy said–hey, did it fall out of your pocket in between the seat? I put my hand down and voila!!!! It was there! THAT was God. Eventually we got my needles (a costly mistake) and I had the joy of taking it at night. 🙂 I was secretly going to be glad if we couldn’t find any fragmin needles because then I wouldn’t have had to do my needle…but that may have been dangerous.
So, I do see God and I do still believe in God. I just want to live to serve Him.
Peace and love,
Marisa
21 comments
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November 11, 2007 at 8:32 pm
Susanne
Oh Marisa,
I see in God in you.
I see such a beautiful, strong woman who is honest and loving to her core.
I see a mother who loves her little miracles with all her heart.
I see a wife who loves, draws strength, and gives strength to her soulmate.
I see a daughter of God the Father who seeks and searches for Him in the midst of a turbulent storm.
I see a friend who can give you the most beautiful smile even when her eyes are glistening with tears.
I see a friend who’s honesty, courage and searching has blessed so many.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Father God,
this woman,
this mother,
this wife,
this friend,
your daughter, Marisa, wants “to live to serve you.”
God, our hearts cry out for your healing power in her body.
Surround her and her family with all that is good and with all that brings strength and peace.
Rain down, merciful God, rain down.
Amen.
November 11, 2007 at 8:46 pm
Robyn Bezuyen
We had a guest pastor today in Providence. I got only one thing out of his sermon – be a torent. What??? Ezekiel’s dream. Gods holy and mighty spirit descended into the temple as a drop of water. A lonley little drop. Then, it became a trickle. Hmmm. Then a spring. Really? And then, a brook. Okay? Finally it was a torent. Wow! Now the brook was measured several times. The first, the water was ankle deep. Then, it was knee deep. Next, waist deep. Upon the final measurement, it was a torent only fit for swimming in. So swim Marisa, swim in the torent of God’s mighty and holy power of love. Let His love fill you to overflowing. As Pastor Paul said this morning, let it seep out of you. If we are only in Him up to the ankles, there is a lot of body exposed to the world. So, live lavishly in His torent of love. Even if it is tears that come or a whispered prayer to “make it go away” you are in HIS LOVE!
Love from a sister in Christ,
Robyn Bezuyen
November 11, 2007 at 9:17 pm
Ann @ Holy Experience
I read your words, your thoughts, your life.
And I cry.
I see God.
In you.
His fingerprints are all over you. You are fulfilling your life’s purpose: to serve Him.
Marisa?
I have never met you, but you minister to me everyday.
He uses you. Press on!
All’s grace,
Ann
(P.S. I have smiled all weekend, thinking of that manservant comment ~smile~)
November 11, 2007 at 10:13 pm
Rachel Oussoren
Dear Marissa,
I see God in you often. You are so graceful and optimistic in the face of so much uncertainty. You inspire me daily to be a better mom and to live each day to the fullest. I see God in your life each time I read a new blog and learn about your battle. I saw God in pointing me to your blog… I only wanted a job at Hope CRC and I happened to bump into you. I thought maybe I know her because your Dad was my principal for kindergarten and so I checked out your blog and I have been reading and growing and praying for you ever since. Press on Marissa and fight this awful and tiring battle and hold on to the God who loves you and holds on to you in the palm of His hand.
In Christ, Rachel
November 11, 2007 at 10:16 pm
Anita L
What a BEAUTIFUL entry, you hit the nail on the head. May God grant you the desire of your heart, to continue living to serve Him.
November 12, 2007 at 8:39 am
Laura DeHaan
God, continue to shower Marisa, Mendelt, Z, J & Z (& families) with your love, grace, mercy and healing power…today, this week, this month.
November 12, 2007 at 9:00 am
Veronica
Marisa
Thanks so much for your testimony!
I pray that God will continue to open the eyes of your heart.
Praise God for His living water that is giving you strength.
blessings,
Veronica
November 12, 2007 at 11:11 am
Julie Pilling (Oosterloo)
I have had no words for such a long time.
I ask God why…I hear silence.
I too have wondered “Where is God?”
It is not the first time.
And then there is a thought,
a word I have heard….and now cling to.
HOPE
A noun.
A verb.
An idiom.
Like air, I cannot live without it.
This morning I have read scripture to find the why…the what…the how of this word.
And this is where God brought me.
To Psalm 13…the words of David…time and again I return to David’s words…in a song by Brian Doerksen…God’s words.
How long O Lord, will You forget me
How long O Lord, will You look the other way
How long O Lord, must I wrestle with my thoughts
And everyday, have such sorrow in my heart
Look on me and answer, O God my Father
Bring light to my darkness, before they see me fall
But I trust, in Your unfailing love yes my heart will rejoice
Still I sing, of Your unfailing love
You have been good
You will be good to me
I think of you and the tears come.
A steady flow today.
HOPE
A noun – the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best
A verb – to believe, desire, or trust
An idiom – to hope against hope
I see God
I don’t see God
But I choose to believe…to HOPE.
Hope
The buoying of a heavy heart.
The promise of fullfillment.
Something to look forward to.
A reason to get out of bed in the morning.
The promise of God.
God has been good
God will be good to me.
As always,
With much love and prayers,
Jules
November 12, 2007 at 11:20 am
Gary
Marisa:
This post reminds me of SERVE – I have attended a few SERVE events recently and each one challenged and asked the youth to raise their awareness and asked “Where did you see God today?”. It is a very good question to pray through each day! It is also a question with incalculable answers. As with your post there are many answers in the affirmative and many answers that are inconclusive since we don’t enjoy any of the “Omni’s” of God.
I very much like your closing line – …..I do still believe in God. I just want to live to serve Him. I think that line can easily become a petition for you (and ourselves) as we talk with God this week. When God hears and sees your resolve through this ordeal I like to think He smiles.
You are a rock Marisa! GT
November 12, 2007 at 12:49 pm
anonymous
I have left you a comment before explaining that i have never met you, however i feel like i know you through this blog. your honesty touches me each time i log in. Know that i am praying for you and care for your family even though we may never meet. God truely is shining through you and drawing people closer to Him through you.
thank you for your words and find strength knowing that many are praying for you and have not given up and believe that you will win this battle.
November 12, 2007 at 1:17 pm
Bryan and Susanne Zietsma
Marissa,
You are such a strong woman of faith!!! I praise God with your life because you are amazing…your faith is amazing, your love for your husband and kids is amazing and your perseverence in life is amazing…thank-you for sharing and inspiring. I am so thankful that we know you!
Love and prayers, as always,
Bryan and Susanne
November 12, 2007 at 3:11 pm
Teresa Aukema, parent at Christy's school
Marisa,
It was sooooo great to meet you yesterday. I enjoy reading your blog and have grown in my relationship with God through it. I thank you for sharing so much of you.
Sharing your hurts, disappointments, concerns, joys, love. Most importantly your love for your kids, and the Lord. I also enjoy your humour.
Praying all goes well tomorrow. May you feel a peace from so many praying for you.
I trust in you, O Lord; I say, ” You are my God.” My times are in your hands
Psalm 31: 14-15
His Child,
Teresa
November 12, 2007 at 4:08 pm
Helen
Marisa and Mendelt, I am often at the Cancer Clinic these days with my Dad, John De Jong, who I understand knows you. I think I would know exactly who you are if I ran into you there!!! And I’ve never met either of you; I would feel blessed to see you and give you a hug of friendship.
I’ve had experiences in my life that have been hard to understand and even though God was closer than I ever imagined HE could be there were realities that made HIM feel far away as well. When I was scrapbooking an album for my mom and dad’s 50th wedding anniversary the search for scriptures and appropriate thoughts became as important as the pictures and one of the little sayings I put on my family’s page was: “If God explained everything to us we probably still would not understand.” Simple? Yes, but if I’ve learned anything so far in my life it is that God holds us in HIS hands and through it all, no matter where life takes us HE will be there never leaving or forsaking us no matter how sick and devastated we feel. Cling to HIM and in the meantime I pray for all that you need.
Blessings to you and your little ones ~ Helen
November 12, 2007 at 4:15 pm
trademark registration
Your story is inspiring. Thank you.
November 12, 2007 at 4:56 pm
Samantha Pellegrino
Where I see God…Marisa, a woman I’ve never met.
Cancer, well, its harder but if Jesus has cancer then God’s there too.
Manservants…who love their wives so much blogland ‘feels’ it with loving smiles
Children…who are spared through a supernatural God love of all the ‘servants’ who willingly help you and your family
I see God.
November 12, 2007 at 6:18 pm
Sid and Brenda Ypma
thank-you for today’s honesty…I needed that.
Sid
November 13, 2007 at 11:07 am
j&j
We love you guys.
You are an inspiration marisa, thank you for writing this.
I strive for this kind of faith an assurance, and if its hard for me, i can only imagine how hard it must be for you guys..
We will be praying.
Peace and so much love*
jen&jar.
November 13, 2007 at 12:50 pm
Teresa Wunsche (Miedema)
Amen, Susanne, Amen!!!
May we all continue to pray this prayer for such amazing people to such an AWEsome God.
November 13, 2007 at 1:57 pm
Kristi
Thank you.
Thank you, God, for this life I can read about and in turn worship.
November 13, 2007 at 2:55 pm
Sandra
Hi, You are a beautiful, brave, Christ-filled person!
I came over from Ann at Holy Experience’s blog. I read your whole blog today. Words cannot express my admiration for you and your family (or for how you are letting Christ work through you.) You CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens you. I can see you doing this. You are living proof. Thank you for exercising your faith so publically and so faithfully. I’m learning from you. God won’t let you down, be sure of that.
Your husband and family are beautiful too.
God Bless you and keep you. I will pray for you and check back in with you.
Your Sister in Christ,
Sandra in Maryland
November 15, 2007 at 10:31 am
Diane Bakker
Dear Marisa,
Thanks for your honesty……
Sometimes its not til we are in a torent as your friend Robyn shared that we seek the shelter and protection of our heavenly Father, it is then, that He displays His supernatural power through His children, as He has done in you, by strengthening your faith and giving you the words to share such a poignant testimony of faith.
In this you are surely serving Him!!
Blessings and continual prayer for the new treatment you are recieving
In His Grip
Diane