one of my former students asked me in a private e-mail if I was scared.

Am I scared? 

Absolutely.  But maybe not of things you may have thought of.

I am not scared about the amount of work that lies ahead of me.  Marisa and I said before we had Zion that we were planning on having less sleep and more work.  It was true.  And we did okay.  I plan on that now too.

I am not scared of feeling far away from Jesus.  We have a good relationship.

I am not scared about helping the kids deal with their grief.  I will find people more experienced than me to help me with that.

I am scared about things like walking into our house every day without Marisa.

I am scared about when Jacoba gets her first period and I have to read the instructions on the box of maxi pads.

I am scared about what my children eat.  I am scared about people giving them candy to deal with their own grief.

I am scared about yet someone else coming up to me and telling me that I am going to have a difficult year ahead.  Don’t you think I know that already?

So am I scared?  Absolutely.  Do I think I will be okay?  Absolutely. 

I just don’t know when that will be.