What a terrible feeling this is.

It has only been 7 weeks since Marisa died and it seems like grieving is getting progressively more difficult.  I have so many large and important decisions that I need to make and I have to do them without Marisa.  This absolutely sucks.

I don’t know how good single parents do it.

The reality of losing Marisa is that during each and every decision, every transaction, every joke, every dinner, every night of bathing three kids, every morning waking up remembering Marisa is gone, every silent evening, every time Zion misses the school bus, every prayer, every grocery list, every time Jacoba calls her vagina “bagina”, every ride into church, every future plan, every radio song, every time I hear the word cancer, every time Zekijah calls me at 3 in the morning to put her soother back in her mouth, every time I get an e-mail from Marisa’s wonderful parents, every time all three kids need me at the same time, every time I tell my story and people have that look in their eye like I need sympathy, every yawn, every piece of junk mail with Marisa’s name on it, and every time I think of Marisa’s smile that lights up the room, I grieve.

I grieve.  Because our world has changed.

I hear it many times a day that Marisa is in heaven.  And each time I rejoice every time I hear it.

But sometimes it just sucks.

So I pray. 

I pray that I can have a life not about cancer, but in spite of cancer.