The previous post was more a rhetorical question rather than a real one.
So please let me explain.
1) I don’t think that our children are cursed.
2) That post is a lament.
Maybe the post was done in haste. I don’t know. But it did make a number of people uncomfortable. It was real, honest and blunt. It was posted after a particularly difficult time of grief from one of our children. But please don’t mistake this explaination as an apology.
I KNOW that things will get better different but at this point my grief comes and goes. And I believe that those who grieve should be given a large allowance to vent. Sometimes those who are grieving need to hear the gospel. Sometimes they need to hear the groans.
As CS Lewis writes, “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear”.
I think Z, J and lil Z are blessed too. They have a good community.
I don’t think our kids are cursed. I think it sucks that they have lost something so good in Marisa.
Peace,
MdH
Life 
30 comments
Comments feed for this article
March 12, 2008 at 9:40 am
Jennifer Rogalsky
Hi Mendelt. You don’t know me… I live in Winnipeg, but came across the link to this site through a connection on the blog of my cousin who died of cancer in January. Last February I also lost my dearest friend (who was also my sister-in-law) to breast cancer. Together these two loved ones have left five children, ages 2 – 8. This is not to say that I know what you’re going through. I don’t. I am only writing to encourage you in your lament. And no, I’m not trying to encourage you out of your lament, but to continue to lament as long as you need to. I think God can handle it.
Thank you for writing so honestly about your grief.
Jennifer
March 12, 2008 at 9:51 am
R&G
Dearest Mendelt! After reading your blog from March 9th, What really troubled me were the words ” whether your kids were cursed because of their mother’s death. ” OUCH!
I couldn’t write this right away.
Thank you for sharing us your concerns, thoughts, griefs. I do not know what you are going through but my heart goes to you. Again you need to be reminded of how great, special, lovable dad you are to Z,J,Z! You have shown the way you love, care and protect them in so many ways! You have stressed that you and your children are so blest with the community. Well it goes both ways.
With Easter on the way I am reminded again how God has sent his son Jesus to suffer and die in our place. He died on the cross and carried away the curse. Christ has redeemed us from the curse of the law and having become a curse for us. Wow what better peace can we have then that! (Gelations 3:13)
Mendelt thanks for all that you are sharing. Made me realize that God’s ways are not our ways.
May you always feel that you are wrapped in Jesus’ arms of love and support together with your precious children. Thanks for all that you are sharing! Means alot of us!
Phillippians 4:19: You are not left alone. You will have the help you need. God will supply every need of yours according to the riches in glory of Christ Jesus.
Love and prayers R&G
March 12, 2008 at 10:12 am
Reny Kranendonk-Malley
Mendelt,
We expect no apologies from you. We do expect your bluntness and appreciate it. I agree that people should speak out what they are feeling in the moment because it is very therapeutic (just look at the uplifting responses you ARE getting). If you made anyone uncomfortable with the truth, who gives a crap. It’s your life, your pain and your words, it’s up to the individuals if they wish to read them and take them too literally.
In essence, we are all ears and sometimes we respond and sometimes we don’t. What everyone is doing, is praying for you and your family….keep taking those baby steps and keep on keeping it REAL!!!!
Here’s to rhetorical questions! We all have them.
Take care,
Reny:)
March 12, 2008 at 11:32 am
Chris Exelby
Well put, Mendelt.
March 12, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Robyn Bezuyen
Rhetorical or not, in haste or not, you gave us your emotion in a tangible way. We responded with our own emotions. Cancer is scary. Death is scary. We who follow your grief journey, are on a journey of discovery too. We are made to think and analyze our own feelings about life and death. About blessings and curses. About grief and joy. I welcome your bluntness because it makes me pause and discover what I believe-deep down in the depths of my soul. You are blessed to have the assurance that Marisa is singing, dancing and praising her savior right now. Right at this very moment. Right now I am preparing to say goodbye to my grandfather who lives 4hours away. In a short time he will be a lifetime away unless he accepts that Jesus Christ is the only way to heaven. I weep because I do not have that blessing of knowing that I will see him again -for eternity unless he is granted a miracle of an open heart to let the savior in – for eternity. Uncomfortable? Yup, only because there are too many people in my family who currently are not blessed by the knowledge and the love of our Lord.
Marisa is no longer in your arms and that sucks.
Marisa is right now in heaven and that is beautiful.
Sorrow is heavy and sometimes we just want to sit for the sheer weight is too much to stand, yet know this Mendelt, sadness combined with joy is the best grief to have because you have hope for a future, for an eternity with Marisa.
A fellow journey goer,
Robyn Bezuyen
March 12, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Mark & Laura Bassie
Vent all you want, Mendelt. And as you do, we will lift you up to the throne!
I think that sometimes it’s good for us to feel uncomfortable with the things you write. Perhaps it causes us to dig deeper, to seek our Father more fervently!
Thanks for being so real with all of us and continuing to share.
We are all so blessed by this “blog family”.
In Christ,
Laura
March 12, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Samantha Pellegrino
I think its good that YOU have a good community…wow to all the people who posted their hearts to you. WOW to you who posts his heart all the time…your honesty is such a treasure to so many.
Lament away…joy comes in the morning (or mourning? hmmm, is there any joy in mourning?)
March 12, 2008 at 4:47 pm
The Pots
I guess this is the tricky part about having a blog. It’s as though there are several conversations happening at once, yet the computer changes the tone for both conversing. About the rhetorical question… I picture it that you write out the moment and we all pause for longer than a moment to respond – out of concern and anxious to encourage you.
Yet, maybe that’s not always helpful. In my own experience, I remember being very grateful to a good friend for her honesty and then her silence. I shared with her some intense grief of my life – she said, “That sucks.” And then we both sat in silence. That was so meaningful and encouraging. Strange, I know.
SPot
March 12, 2008 at 5:23 pm
Delaney J
Mendelt, you are free to grieve. I for one fully support your grieving process, however it sounds to others.
As you know, I lost my mom to cancer at a young age, and grieving for me took on many, many faces. For one, many tears of loss and deep fear of my Dad also dieing before I “grew up”. Another was of inappropriate (obnoxious) behaviour as a child, which I eventually (by God’s grace) outgrew (now Delaney may disagree…). I also adopted a very cynical view of life, which God, by His grace has also tempered in my adult years. I could go on, but the point of my message is this.
As imperfect as you are, as long as you strive in your grief to keep your eyes focused on your Lord and Saviour, and point your kids to God in the midst of grief, then He in turn will guide and direct their paths (as well as yours) in a unique way. God longs to meet you and your kids at the pit of dispair, as He has for me on many occasions. Many around you will not understand this unique path that God has called you on. Many will misunderstand God’s unique calling on your life. That’s O.K. Pain is apart of this path to holiness, as He longs for you to see Him as the light at the end of life’s tunnel, nothing else.
Mendelt, I praise God as I “listen” to you grieve. Your open and public grief needs to be heard by the world and brother, I AM LISTENING!
(Delaney’s husband, Paul)
March 12, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Yolanda Platt
I believe many have understood…please keep writing what you are feeling….
March 12, 2008 at 5:43 pm
Julie Vos
Hi Mendelt!
You’re totally right – those who grieve should be given much time to vent! Yes, you do need to hear the gospel, actually we all need to hear the gospel! Your posts make me ‘think’ and that is a good thing. It’s great that you make me want to open my Bible and see how I can encourage you through Scripture and yet encourage myself at the same time.
I can tell that your grief comes and goes through your different posts. Please know that we are here for you when it does come and go. Keep venting, keep writing, keep looking for God!
Love, Julie
March 12, 2008 at 6:20 pm
mendelt en willy tillema.
Dear Mendelt,
Allow yourself going through all your emotions…
Allow yourself ……………………………………………!
We can imagine all your questions ………………….
on your way goïng through this process, after losing your dear Marisa.
Go on Mendelt,
Keep on going your way…………………….”without” your dearest Marisa.
Marisa will shine on for you, Z,J and lil Z.
Dear greetings,
Mendelt en Willy Tillema.
March 12, 2008 at 7:45 pm
amy
I just wanted to say that hey, this is your journey, your blog, your pain…no explanations needed here. I also wanted to let you know that we are covering you and your precious children in our prayers daily.
March 13, 2008 at 9:10 am
Diane Bakker
Dear Mendelt,
It was a good rhetorical question, grieving requires
honesty! My small group bible study is doing Max
Lucado’s Facing Your Giants, and we just finished up
chapter 10 ‘Unspeakable Grief’………its a good book.
“Bereavement comes from the word reave, which means
to take away by force, plunder, rob, Death robs you, death
amputates a limb out of your life…….
Everyone’s grief looks different, but grieve we must, don’t
worry about asking honest and rhetorical questions…
its part of your process. I’ll quote the last paragraph of
the chapter…….
“So go ahead, face your grief. Give yourself time. Permit
yourself tears. God understands. He knows the sorrow of
the grave. He buried His Son. But He also knows the joy
of resurrection. And by His power, you will too.”
I know we share this hope……it just doesn’t replace the pain.
Praying for you and your children and praying that
our heavenly Father holds you firmly in His Grip
Diane
March 13, 2008 at 10:05 am
sherri
Mendelt
I can imagine that your feelings must shift from moment to moment on a daily basis. I would think that some may find them difficult to hear but so be it. It seems normal to me and likely more healthy for you and the kids to vent then to put up the fascade that all is great when life without your Marisa is truly unbearable. I’m all for the honesty. Here’s to healing!
Peace and love
Sherri
March 13, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Joan
Yes, Mendelt…. a huge allowance to vent. Vent away!!! How could anyone stand in judgement? None of us have the foggiest notion what it’s like to be you at this point in time in this place. But we do have a less than foggy notion that God is carrying you.
I do believe that grief feels like fear. It makes me tremble! And then I remember, “Fear not for I am with you.”
Lifting you up in prayer,
Joan
March 13, 2008 at 5:33 pm
The Bucknall's
Mendelt, I am so glad you do speak the truth! After Trevor passed away I wanted to talk about him ALL the time and people did not because they thought it would make me feel uncomfortable and avoided talking about him. To me this felt like everyone had FORGOTTEN him. This made me sad. It is now going on 15 years, July 12th since he passed away. Yes, I do have a wonderful husband that I love and with that we produced 3 gorgeous children but I have not and will never forget him. I forget to pay the bills on time, I forget to pick up that much needed item at the grocery store because I was distracted by some sale, I forget to get milk for the kids when finally after the third time passing them and them motioning being thirsty do I remember…but I have not forgotten Trevor. Rob has grown to understand this and he visits Trevors’ family with me and they treat him as part of the family not the person that is with their deceased sons former girlfriend. As I said before, only those that have experienced
this kind of grief know what you are going through and I respect that you express yourself so openly. Keeping this blog helps keep people from
REMEMBERING Marisa and not forgetting her like a bag of milk.
Blessed love from the Bucknall Family
March 13, 2008 at 7:55 pm
Frances
Keep on writing, rhetorically, lamentingly, with grief and with humour (our responses do not matter too much). Your writings is a gift for your kids.
Love you lots.
March 14, 2008 at 1:16 am
Sheri
Hi Mendelt, I have never posted before…just read and prayed for Marisa and your whole family for months when I heard about her battle with cancer.
I read your second to last post with interest. My dad died from cancer when I was 6. My Mom was/is a strong Christian woman and, even at 6 years old, I felt blessed to have Mom to cling to, get strength from and lean on. She was our rock, even though she didn’t feel like it.
I know your question was a rhetorical question but it got me thinking about my childhood and losing Dad, etc. I guess I never felt that losing Dad was a curse (because I was confident of God’s love for me even in bad times) but was a sad thing in my life that I didn’t understand and something that always stung my heart. As I grew up the sting began to fade and was replaced with the anticipation of seeing him in Heaven forever and catching up.
I know that losing a mom is different than losing a dad..different dynamics come into play…and I can’t entirely relate to what your family is going through…but I wanted to share with you how losing a parent as a child didn’t destroy my world forever…it caused heartache, grief, sadness, feeling left out, missing a father, fear, and a host of other emotions…but the sadness turned to peace with time.
I know this time is terribly hard…many prayers for you all.
March 14, 2008 at 1:37 am
Sheri
One more thing, so many of us understand about grief. Make no apologies. It is weird and comes at strange times and strange places and you never feel like you really got the handle on it…it catches you by surprise. So, go ahead and vent, grieve, cry. We all grieve for you.
March 14, 2008 at 9:11 am
Tim and Daphne Vaandering
Dear Mendelt
Haven’t written in a while, yet check the blog everyday and continue to pray everyday for you and your family. Everyday you pour out your emotions on the keyboard, you have been so honest, hiding nothing. I have never known someone like you to be so open with the rest of the world. Only God knows exactly how you feel, as for the rest of us, no matter what we have gone through, no one can feel what you are feeling, thats because we are all uniquely created differently. So, who can judge whatever feelings you are encountering? Only God, so keep expressing, and for those who seem to “know what you are going through” might know the circumstances however, they aren’t living in your shoes!!! Mendelt, please know you are in a lot of thoughts, I bet not a minute goes by that someone isn’t thinking of you and praying. Just picture the many loved ones, the strangers who blog you without even knowing you, and the lives that your family’s struggles have touched–imagine that we are all joining hands in a great big circle hugging you and the kids everyday and God is hugging you every minute!!!
March 14, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Linda Geerts
Mendelt,
As I hope all the responses to your writings are encouraging, you should know that your words also encourage me.
“Sometimes those who are grieving need to hear the gospel. Sometimes they need to hear the groans.” I’ve been trying to find a way to express that very idea for a long time….. There are times I don’t want to hear the gospel. I KNOW it’s perfect, I KNOW it’s true, it tells me the future has hope… that’s my head… but my heart groans…
SPot said it just so… just to sit beside and be. Job’s friends did it for a time, too.
Lately the comfort I find in God’s word is not his power, or creativity, or awesomeness, but in the fact that the Spirit reaches God on our behalf, giving words to what groans cannot express. And when I find I cannot pray for myself, it’s good to know that the Spirit is there taking up the slack. And others.
March 14, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Tine Buma
Dear Mendelt,
Ask your questions, rhetorical and other. In as many ways as you can and will. When we hear them, read them, they don’t come to us in a vacum, even though they are posed from a wilderness of grief and lament. Yours! And sometimes, ours! And they will elicit a response. They are text, and they have a context, they breathe, and we want to support you no matter how they are framed.
In an earlier entry, somebody simply posted the word “Ouch!”
Exactly! Couldn’t have said it better…wish I could say it as succinctly!
What if we couldn’t/didn’t ask questions? Or what if we always categorized them first so that only certain ones could be asked? At certain times? In specified order? That may be appropriate in specific situations, but not always.
And what if we couldn’t respond in a certain way? Our response was subjected to formula. Whose?
And so we didn’t respond at all, because we couldn’t get it right.
We’ll never get it right! It’s why we need God!
With me, questions have always had staying power for some reason. “Where are you?” (Genesis 3:8) I love that one, but I wouldn’t have wanted to have been anywhere near Eden when it was first asked. Still it resonates. Why? Because it’s a timely question!
And this one, posed three times, and to the same person no less, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” (John 21:17) Come on, Jesus!
I think that in all of life, the questions without the easy or apparent answers grab our attentions even more, because of where we’re at when we ask them, or where we’re at, when they’re asked of us! And those are the ones we wrestle with, storm the gates of heaven over, ‘yeah Mendelt, even for a life time! And kids as you know all too well, will also ask them, repeatedly, incessantly, refreshingly! Marisa’s and yours too, as you have already shared! And rightly so!
I’m grateful for the unfolding of this blog, the voices that can be heard here, and the ones that can be felt. There’s as much between the lines! It’s a difficult stream sometimes but it’s a “grace path” as well, and a blessing for so many who are reading it, whether recently or for as long as Marisa and you have been posting! Thank you for finding it in yourself to keep on with it, Mendelt, for your candid openness and honesty.
From our responding kind of an angle, words can get pretty stuck so that it’s hard to get started with them, or it’s hard to wrap them up, and then there’s that big gap in the middle somewhere between beginning and end, where there doesn’t seem to be any connection between the two at all! Feels like writer’s block! Or worse
I’m ending with a poem that I’ve always loved and shared a zillion times. It’s by Christiana Rossetti and it’s called, Who Has Seen the Wind?
Who has seen the wind?
Neither I, nor you;
But when the leaves hang trembling,
the wind is passing through.
Who has seen the wind?
Neither you, nor I;
But when the trees bow down their heads,
the wind is passing by.
Prayers for strength, and for peace, Mendelt,
Tine
March 14, 2008 at 7:33 pm
Roads
I think (I know) that you are doing wonderful things here.
There’s a lot of education required about grief. It’s all too easy to attribute your pointed question of a few days ago to waves of pain washing over you, causing uncontrollable emotion which then leads you to write something raw and from the heart which you might later regret.
Elements of that may just be true, but I sense that they are absolutely not. You’re a level-headed man, and the point you really seem to make is much more thought-out than this.
It’s that bereavement makes you really question some of the most fundamental truths in life as it stands right now all around you, and about how others see you, too.
And well-meaning and uncomfortable as we are, we have no simple answers to offer. These are the questions of long sleepless nights and fretful days, and they are not to be answered lightly or dismissed as the regretted raging of a moment.
They are the hard and honest rain which falls from the dark clouds looming constantly above your heart. Questions weighing heavy on your mind for weeks and endless, exhausting months.
Spirits up.
March 15, 2008 at 9:56 am
Rose & Steve Hoogendoorn
Mendelt, beleive me I understand, I’m usually not one who speaks out at all about these types of things, But I was extremly angry at God when Roses dad passed and questioned alot of things, and at times I still feel angry today in alot of ways from it. I vent in my own ways, and Rose understands. I don’t know what to say in these situations because I still don’t know how to handle it myself sometimes, but my friends were always my pillar of strength. Like I said before, you can always talk to me, even if you want to vent, I may not be a big talker, but I will always listen.
Steve
March 15, 2008 at 10:34 am
j&j
true that mendelt.
vent away.
peace and love,
J&J
March 15, 2008 at 11:16 am
Margaret Van der Meulen (Van der Veen)
I encourage you to be so honest…even if it does sound harsh. They are your thoughts…and we are here to listen to them and respond back to you. We lift you up and encourage you through something that many of us can’t even begin to understand. Keep your comments coming…we are here for you. If people get mad, let them get mad. Those who love you or knew Marisa are here to support you in whatever mood you are in.
Praying for you and the kids always.
March 15, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Delaney J
As I’ve read through the comments left after the last two blog entries I am struck by how much wisdom there is in all the comments. You have a rich, collective resource in the form of your blog. Keep using it, and keep asking the questions. You give us much to think about and learn as well. And we are all learning from the experiences of many.
Delaney
March 16, 2008 at 1:56 am
Lyric
to lament is simply to mourn aloud…
your grief deserves expression.
sometimes grief is uncomfortable for the listener because they want to be a fixer, a healer, a restorer but indeed that is the Father’s role…
i am here to listen, to pray and to learn.
prayers continue for you and yours.
Emmanuel.
March 17, 2008 at 3:50 pm
Nancy McKinley-Diakiw
I am constantly humbled and amazed by what I read on this blog from you and from so many others, and there is nothing that can send me into a sloppy mess of tears quicker than clicking on “Life” in my bookmarks. It just shows me personally again how God weaves in and out and around of peoples minds and hearts and lives. I am glad you have this blog to write and communicate on – it must seem like quite a friend (or rather like hundreds of them). I am certainly blessed by it. (By the way, the practical mother in me wants to respond to your mention of putting soothers back into mouths in the middle of the night – if it brings you both comfort, fine, but if you want Z to put herself back to sleep, get a soother clip…my son Rowan would be lost without his. That way, he can find it attached to his pyjamas and pop it back into his mouth…)
Peace to you…Nancy