The scheduled firsts seem to be easier to deal with.  Turning 2 or 4 or 6 or 34 have been manageable.  On Thursday I will celebrate our wedding that took place 10 years ago.  I know that it is coming up and might be able to manage that one too.

But last night was an unexpected punch in the face.

The Maple Dips, Zion and Jacoba’s soccer team played and Zion scored his first goal.  He weaved his way through the other team and neatly tucked in his very first goal.  His eyes quickly turned and found me.  Then he sprinted towards me.  I picked him up, tossed him in the air and kissed him.  I was/am so proud of him.(and by the way, he scored later on too).

Then I deeply grieved.  Not neccesarily for me or for Marisa.  And I don’t even know if I grieved for him.  I grieved for the seemingly unnatural situation that we find ourselves in.  And almost 24 hours later, I still find myself tilted.

And I feel ripped off.