The scheduled firsts seem to be easier to deal with. Turning 2 or 4 or 6 or 34 have been manageable. On Thursday I will celebrate our wedding that took place 10 years ago. I know that it is coming up and might be able to manage that one too.
But last night was an unexpected punch in the face.
The Maple Dips, Zion and Jacoba’s soccer team played and Zion scored his first goal. He weaved his way through the other team and neatly tucked in his very first goal. His eyes quickly turned and found me. Then he sprinted towards me. I picked him up, tossed him in the air and kissed him. I was/am so proud of him.(and by the way, he scored later on too).
Then I deeply grieved. Not neccesarily for me or for Marisa. And I don’t even know if I grieved for him. I grieved for the seemingly unnatural situation that we find ourselves in. And almost 24 hours later, I still find myself tilted.
And I feel ripped off.
Life 
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June 10, 2008 at 4:50 pm
sherri
Mendelt
Such a great and lousy feeling all at the same time. It shouldn’t be possible. I will be thinking of you on Thursday.
Sherri
June 10, 2008 at 8:09 pm
Joanne De Jonge
I was at the game last evening watching my grandaughter play against your team. When Zion scored, I could see the pride, but I have to say I felt so bad for your family. I recalled my husband and I sharing with pride our daughters soccer games and it hit me that you can’t go home at night and recount the game and laugh about how cute they are at this age with Marisa!
So I wanted you to know that I sat there thinking the very same thing that you express today – that you and your children are being ripped off!! I will continue to pray for you and your children. Especially on Thursday as you face another first! Blessings…Joanne
June 10, 2008 at 8:14 pm
Fran
my heart soars for you, and I have a lump in my throat. I know Marissa saw all what happened and all what is happening, and that is why you have the strength to move on to the next moment, the next hour, the next day…It might seem like forever and in slow motion, but you are so strong and I look up to you for this. Keep it up, and your star is shinning bright on you and the children every night. God bless, another blog extended family member who grieves along with you. You are thought of everyday, sending you strength and courage.
June 10, 2008 at 8:28 pm
Yvonne and Terry Veldboom
Terry and I will celebrate our 21st anniversary on Friday. Thank you for always putting things into perspective. Nine years, 21 years, 50 years ~ all gifts, but yes, you were ripped off. Blessings as you wander through another ‘first’. Congrats to the Maple Dips!! With love, the Fieldtrees
June 10, 2008 at 9:55 pm
Susanne
Thanks again and again for letting us share in your journey, Mendelt.
Three things:
1. Way to go Zion!
2. I do not know the depth of your grief but I can sure understand that you feel “ripped off”. It is an unnatural and uncomprehensible situation “that you find yourselves in.”
3. We continue to listen and pray.
Love,
Susanne and family
June 11, 2008 at 7:10 am
dlf
Not that it helps any, but we feel ripped off “for” you, mendelt.
This situation “seems” unnatural, because that’s exactly what it is.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
This is NOT what our loving heavenly father had in mind when he created everything so perfectly.
Please continue let those around you, support you, feeble efforts though they can be, as you walk this road.
June 11, 2008 at 8:02 am
Roads
Such bitter sweet joy. My heart bleeds for you. And it will always feel the same with the children’s achievements – each and every one of them. The same, but perhaps with time not quite so raw, or is it just like repeated bee stings, in that eventually you come desensitised to this pain?
Good luck with your 10-year wedding anniversary. Strange coincidence that Jenny died some 9 years 6 months after our wedding, too.
June 11, 2008 at 9:17 am
R&G
Hi Mendelt! You have a great soccer player there! Impressive! And how he came to you and you as a very proud-happy dad praising him in your special-lovable ways. So beautiful…………….! And yet there is that sadness and feeling ripped off, and grieving! Please don’t ever put yourself down please………………….! We feel for you! Keep you in our thoughts and prayers! R&G
June 11, 2008 at 10:58 am
Liza
Thank you for always sharing so openly. I feel ripped off for you too. Your whole lives ahead of you, so much to enjoy together as a couple, with your children, why, why, why? We so know that Marisa is in a far better place, but again for us left behind the journey is full of ups and downs, twists and turns. You continue to be in on our hearts and in our prayers. Your children are so blessed to have you! Marisa is so proud!
June 11, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Ann @ Holy Experience
~tears~
Thanks for keeping it real…
We’re listening and we need to hear it…
June 11, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Margaret Van der Meulen (Van der Veen)
The death of a loved one is hard…eventhough we know they are in heaven with Jesus. Going through those “firsts” can be difficult and trying…and sometimes we can surprise ourselves by how well we can handle it. I had the same thing after my dad passed away. I got through the “firsts” from the first year….but what hit me the most was when my dad couldn’t be there to walk me down the aisle on the day of my wedding (and that was 9 years after he passed away). Another first was when my oldest boy was born…so I named him after my dad, Jacob (Jacobus/Jack was my dad’s name). I often wish my dad was still on this earth to play with his grandchildren (and I know that he would have spoiled them like crazy!)…but I also take comfort that he is at peace in heaven.
May the peace of God surround you everyday….and especially on those tough days. Keeping you in my prayers.
June 12, 2008 at 8:05 am
Ericka
Oh, in my humanness, the humanness that is uncomfortable with grief, I want to assure you that God is good, that ultimately in Heaven, in Eternity, there are no rip offs. And that’s all good and true. But in this time, in these earthen days, there are rip offs and death is a wicked, gut-wrenching thorn. I am very sorry, not for you, but with you that Marisa could not be there to share in the joy and pride you felt. Death stinks.
Zion, congratulations on your first goal!!!! Yippee!!!!!!!!!!!!
Continuing to pray…
June 12, 2008 at 8:45 am
Diane Bakker
Our prayers go heavenward in golden bowls of incense…(Rev 5:8)
Each prayer heard, and each tear felt.
Thinking of you today,
No other words………
You are in His Grip
June 12, 2008 at 8:47 am
Jacoba Doris
We will be thinking and praying for you all day. I remember how beautiful Marisa looked at your wedding, bare-footed and all.
June 12, 2008 at 8:58 am
Roads
Holland 3, Italy 0. Highlights and report from the European Championships.
Soccer runs deep within that famed orange blood…
June 12, 2008 at 9:19 am
Erica
Way to go Zion!! 2 goals … that a boy. What a proud dad. Marisa would be sooo proud of all of you. My heart hurts for you while you are “ripped off”. Listening, pondering your thoughts and praying that God wil hold you. Thoughts of you, Mendelt, on another “1st” today. Always in my prayers.
June 12, 2008 at 10:25 am
Matt
Mend, I’m super excited that Zion scored. I remember talking to him on his birthday and asking him about soccer. He was very eager to talk about it, and he made sure to point out that he was a lot better than Jacoba and that he could easily score on her.
Two goals, wow. His athletic prowess, which he gets from his mom, must make you proud.
Your description of the scene – Zion scoring, immediately searching for you, running to you, you throwing him in the air with pure joy, and then the heavy feeling of grief – it almost feels like a bad after school special.
I wish that it were so.
Love, as always.
M
June 12, 2008 at 10:45 am
Dorene
Mendelt: you are so right, grief is felt so strongly , so keenly that it rips open the wounds time and time again, does it remind us how deeply we loved? perhaps, but do we always want to go where it hurts so bad to remind us how deeply we loved and were loved?
I pray God always keeps you and the kids close.
Dorene
June 12, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Mem Hoekstra
Dearest Mendelt,
Your mourning is so deep and your living so courageous, it sometimes takes my breath away.
Life after Marisa is so painful sometimes; for you, the children, Marisa’s family, us and so many more.
Keep you eye on the One who promises Peace.
All my love, Mem
June 12, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Kim Teeuwsen
We continue to remember you and the kids Mendelt- but we will especially pray for you today. We will pray for strength and courage for you.
Great to hear that Zion got two goals!!! The Honey Glaze look forward to playing you the beginning of July!
Take care and God bless,
Love,
Kim (for the Teeuwsen gang)
June 12, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Julie Vos
Dear Mendelt,
Sigh…what do I say? I really don’t know. I agree wholeheartedly that this situation is unnatural! It’s not fair, it’s not right, it’s just awful! When I saw that picture of Marisa the other day, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. She is so beautiful and just looks like such a good, loving mother. I wish she could still hold Jacoba and Zion and Zekijah and you, Mendelt. Why? Why?
I pray that you will feel comforted during those moments of overcoming grief! I pray that you will be able to find God in this unnatural situation and still be able to praise Him for all that He continues to do with your family!
Marisa’s beauty remains constant, unchangeable. Her impact on hundreds of people remains unchangeable. Her enduring love for you, your children, and your entire family will never fade. Your love for Marisa will remain alive. The way you honour her every day is a testimony to the depth of your love for her. I know you will celebrate her and honour her today even through your tears and your heartache!
The way you have honoured Marisa for the past ten years and especially the past six months is also a true testimony to the kind of man that you are, Mendelt! Thank you for your example of what it means to live out I Corinthians 13. “It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres…Love never fails…And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”
When I read these verses again, I thought of your love for your children and your love for Marisa. Wow.
Love, Julie
June 12, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Linda Smith
Thinking of you today as your heart floods with precious memories, both happy and sad. Love ya.
June 12, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Mark & Laura Bassie
Thinking of you and lifting you to the throne.