My Mom used to say, ‘my head is full of children’.

I know now what she meant.  My head is full of children.

My head is full when I wonder what Jacoba thinks when she sees so many moms pick up their kids from Junior Kindergarten.  My head is full when Jacoba says that she only wants me when she goes to bed.  My head is full when I watch her sleep.  My head is full when our doctor’s office calls and schedules an appointment for her.  My head is full when her nightmares wake her up in a cold sweat.  My head is full when I watch her walk into school like she owns the place.

My head is full when Zion sees the moms with their kids at church.  My head is full when I see one of Zion’s teammates score a goal and know that his mom didn’t see it but she will hear about it when the boy gets home.  My head is full when Zion uses perfect manners.  My head is full when I watch him sleep.  My head is full when he talks about his upcoming basketball season.  My head is full when he tells me in the holy, intimate, bedtime moments that he misses Mommy.  My head is full when I hear him sing on tune.  My head is full when I hear him sing off tune.

My head is full when I think of what Zekijah is going to think when she looks back at her past.  My head is full when I see her little, powerful, Marisa-like body run with athletic prowess and forceful determination.  My head is full when I think that she most likely doesn’t realize what is going on.  My head is full when I watch her sleep.  My head is full when she pulls a purposeful, genuinely funny joke on me.

My head is full when the kids are in bed and I make their school snacks ready…by myself…again.  My head is full when I lie down in my empty bed.  My head is full when I wake up in my empty bed.  My head is full when I see moms with their kids at the park.  My head is full when I see a married couple talk poorly and disrespectfully to each other.

My head…is full.

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