Today I took Jacoba and her friend Ella to an indoor playground that we had visited before.

When we walked into the place, we were met by the attendant who hadn’t seen us in awhile and asked Jacoba what she has been up to.

Jacoba said,

“we celebrated Mommy’s birthday but she wasn’t there because she is dead”.



The attendant looked at me.  I looked at the attendant.

The attendant’s face said, ‘I think we should say something positive now’.

I purposely stayed silent. 


Sometimes when people find out that Zekijah is only 2 and she doesn’t have a living mother, they say to me “well maybe it is nice because she doesn’t know what is going on”.

They say that to make themselves (or possibly me) feel better.

The truth is, that doesn’t help.  And the truth is, that is wrong.

It isn’t nice that lil’ Zed is 2 and Marisa is gone.  It isn’t nice that big Zed is 6 and Marisa is gone.

I purposely stayed silent when looking at that attendant because life is like that sometimes.  Life needs to be groaned about.  Sometimes life forces you into empty space.  Maybe the attendant learned something in that 15 second pocket of empty space.  Maybe she didn’t.

I don’t know what Jacoba was thinking when she said that.  It didn’t come with much emotion.  But I do know that when Jacoba said that, she shined her badge.

Shine on kid, shine on.