Shortly after Marisa died I read and heard that though my grief was very raw then, it would somehow lessen.

I didn’t believe them then.  I couldn’t then.

I have had a while to think about that notion.  I still don’t believe it, or at least how it was explained to me then.  I don’t believe that it lessens, I just believe that I am more experienced and know how and what to take from a pocket of grief.

Yesterday I was leading a Music Therapy session and one of the individuals in the session asked for the song “Amazing Grace”.  I started playing the introduction to the song.  A different individual started weeping. 

I counselled her and found out that “Amazing Grace” was one of her father’s favourite songs.  “And he is dead now”, she said.   I grieved for her.  I grieved for me.  I grieved for Zion, Jacoba and Zekijah.  But I didn’t weep or cry.  I probably would have cried had that have happened a year ago.  But that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t deeply sad because I was.  I was deeply sad.  Deeply, deeply sad.

We sang the song.  With all our hearts.  It was a perfect example of Music Therapy.

But I was still sad.  It wasn’t less sad than before, just different sad.  Because I have learned over the past couple years how to take what I need from that moment of grief. 

I just don’t know yet what to do with it everytime.

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