Today was my first encounter at an agency wide event.  I saw many colleagues that I hadn’t seen since Marisa died.  I was publicly welcomed back to work and that announcement even set off an applause. 

Breathe Mendelt.  They are all looking at you.

The fact is that I am used to people looking at me.  Being a musician and performer, I have been watched by thousands of people at a time.  But this time it was different.

They were looking at me as the new Mendelt.  I could see their faces.  It was a different look.

I spoke to many afterwards.  Most of them asked about the kids.  It is less emotional that way.  Sometimes I answer the question in detail/truth.  Sometimes I don’t spend the emotional energy to get into it.

The truth is the kids are getting older and thus their questions of Marisa are deeper than they once were.  They miss Marisa.  It is hard for me to watch the kids grow older.  Zion is a great reader now.  Marisa didn’t know Zion as a reader.  The day in and day out of single parenting is both exhausting and rewarding.  I experience some regret everyday when I drop off Zekijah before I go to work.

But the real answer of “how are the kids” is….I don’t know.

I don’t know that Jacoba feels protected.  I don’t know that Zion feels happy.  I don’t know that Zekijah doesn’t feel abandoned when she goes to 4 different houses in 5 days.  The kids seem like they are doing well.  But I don’t really know yet. 

Zion and Zekijah played rock/paper/scissors today and they both put out a rock and then Zion quickly switched his to scissors so Zekijah would win.  Maybe that is a sign. 

Peace to you,

Mendelt

Advertisements