I have been in the process of writing this post for what seems a lifetime. Most likely sometime this evening there will have been 1 million views on this blog. That is SO hard to believe. Maybe it is time to take a break. I’m not sure. Either way, for me, here is what it really is about:
Dear Zion, Jacoba and Zekijah.
I wish things were different.
I wish that you didn’t have to grow up so fast. Zion, you get understandably angry when you hear about people either separating or divorcing. You tell me that it doesn’t make sense. You tell me this, not because you are a regular 6 year old that doesn’t understand the concept, but because you are an irregular 6 year old that DOES understand the concept. You teach me. You have a vision and perspective that even many adults don’t have. You come home from school with art pieces after art pieces about the things that you and I do together. That is SO important to me. I love you. Please keep eating your vegetables.
Jacoba, your beauty and ability to light up a room (and my each and every day) is just like the way your Mom used to do it. You are 5 now, and the fact is, you adore me. And the fact is also that I adore you. If that adoration must change, I hope it will evolve in public expression only and not in spirit. I love you. Please keep that spunk.
Zekijah, soon you will be 3. Your Mom died when you were 1.5. You have lived nearly half your life without a Mom. Your athletic prowess and ability to communicate exactly what you want is a gift from your Mom. You are a rainbow to me. Already at such a young age you have her ability to bring forth a joke that makes the listener think. I love you. Please keep spicing up our lives.
Children, when your Mom got cancer, our goal was to beat it. And that goal was because we wanted Her to live to see you grow up. You need Her, we thought. And we were right.
When your Mom knew She was dying, I told Her that She would raise you through me. I believe that this is proving to be true.
And children, at the end of the day, your Mom and I were faced with a question that one day we ALL will face:
Are you strong enough to do this on your own?
And children, our answer was a resounding, clear, no.
We need Peace. We need our family. We need a community. We need each other. I need you. And thankfully, you need me.
You have a loving, caring community. You have an unshakable family. You have me. I have you. You have Jesus. The only way I can explain why all three of you are contributing well to your surrounding regardless of what happened to you is that you are full of grace. Grace.
Our days are busy now but children, today I am with you. I go through my days now understanding that tomorrow will be easier for us. We will be more mature, can handle things better/different and will still have. Without taking anything from the spirit and presence of today, I look forward to tomorrow. And Children, one day there won’t be another tomorrow. The last one will have come. And I plan on being with you on that day as well.
Thank you for being with me.
MdH
Life 
21 comments
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April 26, 2009 at 9:35 pm
susanne
Dear Mendelt and ZJZ,
Thank you for sharing that heartfelt letter. Mendelt, you are an amazing dad who has 3 wonderful miracles. When you see Marisa again I know she will tell you what an incredible thing you did in raising your children in such a loving, honest and wise way.
Take courage, Mendelt and ZJZ, Take Courage!
Love and Prayers,
Susanne
April 27, 2009 at 8:00 am
Rick VanGameren
Powerful.
Thank you. For sharing your heart, and your faith, and your hope.
God bless you,
Rick & Judi
April 27, 2009 at 8:41 am
Roads
That’s wonderful, Mendelt — and your children are very lucky to have you by their side. Keep up the good work, and the great writing.
All kind regards from London, and the very best of luck for the new season to those fine Maple Dips of yours.
April 27, 2009 at 5:14 pm
Denise N
Mendelt, you don’t know me but I was friends with Marisa’s sister Monica while in highschool. I found out about Marisa and your family one day when I was googling my own name. Suddenly, the reasons for researching about me became very insignificant. I prayed for Marisa everyday since that time, and I continue to pray for your family today. I check your blog everyday and every new message brings me to tears (not an easy feat). You make me realize what is important in my life. My challenges are just that, challenges, I still have my spouse. My struggles are just that, struggles, I still have my children. My excuses are just that, excuses, and reading about your family takes them all away. Thank you for sharing your joy, your pain, your victories and your sorrows. I hope that you continue to write but if you choose to complete this chapter, please know that you have touched more lives than you will ever know.
Denise
April 27, 2009 at 9:54 pm
Megan
Mendelt,
I have been reading “Life” for 18 months, perhaps… after I was introduced to it by a friend and neighbour who I think went to University with you… Many times in the past I have felt compelled to comment on your blog entries but have refrained for some reason or another. Today, reading that you are receiving a million hits per post, I thought I would introduce myself so that you would “know” one more of your readers.
My name is Megan. I’m nearly 35, I’m married, and I’m the Mom of two boys, nearly five and nearly seven. We live in London, Ontario.
I am drawn to your blog because of your honesty, I suppose, and to learning about the process, the path you are on. I have wept and enjoyed your humour and been forced to turn over difficult thoughts related to my own belief system and my relationships with others. You have been a tremendous teacher for those of us who are supporting someone with cancer, or who will one day need to support a family member or friend who is grieving. I know that wasn’t your intention when you began writing this, but your willingness to put your cards on the table has had a profound impact on me – this is so strange to be saying online to someone I don’t know – I know that!
Today you ask if it is time to take a break from this blog. Of course, only you can answer that. But I do want to say that your writing is beautiful and this love story to Marisa and to your children is a wonderful gift to the young loves in your life. I absolutely adored hearing my grandparents talk about their young life together and still enjoy listening to my parents tell me stories about their courtship, early marriage and early child-rearing. Your children will treasure this. Again and again they will pour over every word. And of course it will be bitter. And sweet.
Thank you. And Peace.
Megan
April 28, 2009 at 7:41 am
Sherri
Love/Tears/Beautiful words-my thoughts as I read today. Your ability to express yourself Mendelt is so wonderful. thank you.
April 28, 2009 at 10:49 pm
Frances
I love you, Mendelt (since the day you were born and I did cartwheels in my grade 2 classroom), I still love you, Marisa, I will always love you Zion, and you Jacoba, and you Zekijah. Peace and love.
April 29, 2009 at 9:33 pm
Tine Buma
That’s beautiful, Mendelt. I don’t have alot of anything else to say for now.
Peace to you. God’s peace to you, to your children, and to your’s and Marisa’s families,
Tine
April 29, 2009 at 11:18 pm
cathyb
And thank you for being with us, or, rather, for allowing us to be with you. And, thank you, dear Marissa.
Cathyb
lessonsfromlou.blogspot.com
May 2, 2009 at 3:14 am
Annette Sloetjes
Very touching Mendelt. You have a beautiful family, and this letter was an intimate reflection of it. You are part of that grace, I’ve been one of many to experience it.
-Annette
May 3, 2009 at 9:04 pm
Lynn VanderWier
Wow, that was written beautiful!!!!
May 8, 2009 at 5:08 pm
JennGB
Still reading, still praying.
May 21, 2009 at 8:58 pm
Carrie H
Hi Mendelt… just wanted to let you know that we are thinking about you and praying for you guys lots…. that will not end… even if the blog writing does… May God bless you and give you strength
May 26, 2009 at 9:15 am
R&G
You have such special-beautiful ways of expressing with words/concerns/feelings/thoughts thru this blog! Means alot to sooo many of us. God continue to give you hope,love and peace in everyway! Love and prayers R&G
May 29, 2009 at 1:57 am
shally
long time now…. Plz start writing.
May 31, 2009 at 6:58 pm
Francine
Miss hearing from you! Hope all is well, thinking of you and your family as always. God Bless
June 3, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Ann
This… this caught in my throat:
“When your Mom knew She was dying, I told Her that She would raise you through me.”
You shine too, Mendelt.
All’s grace… and you live it,
Ann
June 6, 2009 at 7:39 am
Julie Anne Oosterloo-Pilling
Mendelt,
You have been quiet now for sometime. I wonder if you are taking that break you talked about…it may be time for a ‘rest’. But I still return very regularly to see if there is any new news or goings on from the Hoekstra home.
Your letter to your children is beautiful, a treasure they will have when they are grown and try to stretch their memory back to this time…some of their experiences of the last 1.5 years they will remember…much of it they will not, but yearn to…you are their link to this time and to their Mother…such a huge responsibility and still seemingly so unfair.
Is it normal that at times I am still angry at God for taking Marisa. We prayed, and we prayed for Him to heal her, to let her live, to take away the Cancer…but He chose differently… He is Sovereign, and everyday I make the choice to put my trust in His understanding, not my own…it is at times a very difficult thing to do. I know from reading your words that you do the same.
I read recently in a booklet about prayer an article called “Does Prayer Make a Difference” It spoke of God’s Omniscience at how if He knows all of time past, present, and future how does prayer factor into the equation. An interesting thought. Does what we pray change God’s mind? The author’s take or explanation was a little surprising to me but made some sense. Our prayers are a part of His plan. He knows what we are going to pray for even before we do. It is our prayers that bring us into a closer relationship with Him. And I thought about you and Marisa and the cancer and how our prayers did not change God’s mind about what the outcome for Marisa would be….He decided that she would be cancer free but live with Him….but look at the change that has happened here! A community was built to surround you and your children, people were touched, lives were changed, people that had not prayed in a long time started to talk to God again, and souls were turned to Jesus that might not othewise have given him a second glance.
Prayer does change things….it might not always change God’s mind or alter His plans to line up with our desires…but make no mistake it is a part of His plans and it does change things.
Love to you and you little ones,
Jules
September 14, 2009 at 10:26 pm
Ann Voskamp @ Holy Experience
Missing Marisa tonight….
How could she be so long ago?
The stars are bright tonight.
September 27, 2009 at 7:55 pm
shell
Another school year has begun. I trust that you and your family are keeping well. Still thinking of you.
shell
October 25, 2009 at 3:15 am
Liz
I found your blog after I lost my dad, and it really encourgared and challenged me to read the faith of someone else walking through grief. 18months after dad died, aged 25, my mother died suddenly also.
The ways of the Lord are too much for us to comprehend and truly fathom in this life, but I do know, Jeremiah 29: 11, holds true, for me, for you, and every child of God.
I continue to remember you and your beautiful family. I hope you continue to know God’s mercy and grace meeting your every needs physically, emotionally and spiritually.
In Christ.