What a terrible feeling this is.
It has only been 7 weeks since Marisa died and it seems like grieving is getting progressively more difficult. I have so many large and important decisions that I need to make and I have to do them without Marisa. This absolutely sucks.
I don’t know how good single parents do it.
The reality of losing Marisa is that during each and every decision, every transaction, every joke, every dinner, every night of bathing three kids, every morning waking up remembering Marisa is gone, every silent evening, every time Zion misses the school bus, every prayer, every grocery list, every time Jacoba calls her vagina “bagina”, every ride into church, every future plan, every radio song, every time I hear the word cancer, every time Zekijah calls me at 3 in the morning to put her soother back in her mouth, every time I get an e-mail from Marisa’s wonderful parents, every time all three kids need me at the same time, every time I tell my story and people have that look in their eye like I need sympathy, every yawn, every piece of junk mail with Marisa’s name on it, and every time I think of Marisa’s smile that lights up the room, I grieve.
I grieve. Because our world has changed.
I hear it many times a day that Marisa is in heaven. And each time I rejoice every time I hear it.
But sometimes it just sucks.
So I pray.
I pray that I can have a life not about cancer, but in spite of cancer.
MdH
40 comments
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January 30, 2008 at 7:32 pm
Grace & Norm
. . ‘terrible’ may diminish with time but it doesn’t go away or take away from the reality that is yours . . alone with three little ones to take care of . . praying for strength for each day for you . . praying that you can have a life . .
January 30, 2008 at 8:03 pm
christina torch
to be honest, i wouldnt know how to deal with such loss either.
it really sucks.
hang in there.
January 30, 2008 at 8:25 pm
Julie Vos
Dear Mendelt,
It is terrrible. It does suck. It is awful. I think about you often and I think about Marisa and the fact that she is actually gone. It is so sad.
But, there is always a but…
We do have hope, Mendelt! The words of ‘Shine on Marisa, shine on!’ continue to ring beautifully true! She does shine on and the image of shine is awesome! I think of light and brightness and hope! The period of grieving is painful and dark and scary, but there is another side, the side of hope and God’s strength and God’s unending love!
Mendelt, I pray, how I pray that you will feel the hand of God upon you in all the moments that you grieve. It is a difficult, difficult reality.
God will see you through your grief and He will sustain you!
Keep writing, Mendelt. It is good to read your words. I will pray tonight and tomorrow and for a long time that you will feel comforted, encouraged and strengthened by our Lord God!
Love, Julie
January 30, 2008 at 9:49 pm
Roads
I’m so sorry to hear it’s hard, but I’m not at all surprised to hear it. It’s tough and it’s relentless and it’s you that bears the brunt of everything.
Everyone can send you best wishes and kind thoughts, but finally it’s you that has to get up at three in the morning. Of course, you’re happy to do it – every parent is – but most of them can share those tasks. And the reality is that just when you need most nurturing and assistance, that’s exactly when you have to do it all on your own.
Times like these bring decisions to a breaking point. And I can relate to that, too, entirely. But it’s a good idea not to make too many big decisions, too quickly, or at least not right now. You’re vulnerable, and it’s hard to think entirely straight when you are under this kind of pressure.
In order to live a life in spite of cancer, rather than about cancer, then you have to try to make your own decisions as you want them to be, rather than as cancer and circumstances (and indeed other people around you, too) might try to force them.
One of the very few merits of your isolation is that you really do have a wide range of possibilities in front of you now, however limiting your position might initially appear to be.
So my advice would be to take things slowly and carefully. Think a lot, don’t rush, and leave your options open, so that you can retreat from a course of action if you should change your mind later. You won’t be clear at first about exactly where you are going, but with time, much more clarity will appear.
All best wishes from London. Keep fighting, and spirits up.
January 30, 2008 at 10:13 pm
Laura
It is terrible, and it does suck.
I know you’ve heard this far too many times, but you will get through this, and Marisa is with you.
And, grieving will get more difficult for a while and then it will get easier (though I don’t like the way that sounds – that it will ever be easy).
We’re all praying for you and wishing you the strength you need as you get through this terrible, sucky time.
January 30, 2008 at 10:40 pm
angie davis
When you write it down like this, separately listing every way Marisa is no longer physically there with you……..it becomes overwhelming even for me an outsider just looking in. I cannot imagine how you must grieve and feel day in and day out. Sorry, I know thats not very upbeat……..but I have the feeling you dont need Upbeat right now……the awful truth is you have this huge gaping hole in your life, your world…………and you dont know what to fill it with and it wont matter anyway because it wont be Marisa.I think we just need to pray for you–alot. And even though youve heard it a million times Im sure, I am so so sorry. Not for Marisa but for you and your kids. But I believe you are an awesome awesome father.
January 31, 2008 at 12:04 am
Susanne
Mendelt — I can only imagine — it is terrible — the grief — the loss — the jagged whole ripped into all of your lives — I can only imagine.
I pray for comfort, for peace and for hope to soothe those ragged edges so that your life is not defined by cancer but lived in “spite of it”.
Listening and praying,
Susanne and family
January 31, 2008 at 12:06 am
julie van puffelen
Mendelt, i’ve never commented before, but have followed your journey and as a young mother myself, my heart goes out to you and your children. While i’ve never lost someone in my life “out of the natural order” as i think of it (I’ve lost my mother and my father is terminally ill) but not a spouse or a child or a sibling.
The one thing i do know about grief though, is that it does get progressively worse for awhile, because it is settling in for you that this is permanent. One cannot grasp that in the first days of grief.
There is an essay by a woman named Mary Cook, that is published in the book This I Beleive-associated with National Public Radio. The essay is about Mary losing her fiance and getting the following advice from a wise man-“You are not doing nothing. Being fully open to your grief may be the hardest work you will ever do”
It speaks to how hard this process is. God Bless You
January 31, 2008 at 2:59 am
rhosie
hi…. i read one blog site then i view yours… i know it is very terrible feeling to lose someone you love most…your still in that stage of grieving and a very long way to go through before you will be totally recovered… but be strong, i know your family, children and friends will always stand by on you to support and loved you…And always remember that God loves you…
I wish you well and your children…
Godbless
January 31, 2008 at 8:04 am
Sonya Eikelboom
Mendelt,
No words…just tears & prayers for this road that must be travelled. Lifting you up before the throne, knowing that His heart aches with yours…Sonya
January 31, 2008 at 8:06 am
Mark & Laura Bassie
I’m sad that you are grieving and that you and Z, J, Z have to live on without Marisa’s physical presence through all of those things you mentioned. That does suck.
If you are grieving, I am grieving with you.
Jesus Christ.
One of my favourite (and most moving) verses in the Bible is this:
“Jesus wept.”
Two words with such emotion. He completely and fully knows your pain.
May Christ be your comforter and sustainer.
Still praying . . .
Laura
January 31, 2008 at 8:43 am
Anita Sloetjes
Dear Mendelt,
When we look at the past God did not say:I was
When we fear the future God did not say :I will be
Today God says:I AM.
I draw great strenght from this ,knowing that just for today He will help us through.Many times when I go to check up on Ben in the middle of the night I think about you and always send up a little prayer!
I love sand and water and not too long ago I received this poem:
On virgin sands, the footsteps that I tred
Show only now the life that I have led
No sign in front to show the path I’ll take
Or those with greater courage I have yet to make.
Oh restless tide that turns incessantly
Wipe from me the pain and help me now to see
The footsteps that I planted
Were patterned by the past
Soon to be covered,I shall walk on ,at last
The way that lies ahead
Upon the sea washed sand
Yet now unmarked,soon will I understand……The path not seen is marked upon the shore
By THE HAND that governs
And THE EYE which sees far more.
You are always in our prayers..much love..Anita and gang
January 31, 2008 at 9:58 am
Ingrid Beck
Last night I woke up at three in the morning, my three year old was screaming, “Mommy where are you?”. At that moment I thought about you, to be honest you and your family are a constant prayer in my heart.
I don’t know what heaven will be like, but I wondered last night if I would miss my kids, if I would know that they called me in the night and so I wept. Keep strong, God knows it sucks and yet He keeps you strong.
January 31, 2008 at 10:21 am
Reny Kranendonk Malley
We can’t help but show you sympathy….like you said in a past blog “I don’t deserve this.” You didn’t deserve this at all!
Everything “sucks” and all of us want to try and make you feel better the best way we know how. Unfortunately, we are not able to take the pain and hurt away and that “really sucks!” My heart bleeds for you everyday and I pray for you everyday because it seems to be the only way I really know how to help you.
You are a GREAT single father who has an amazing communication with his children that most fathers do not.
Thanks again for sharing.
Still sticking with you,
Reny:)
January 31, 2008 at 10:24 am
sherri
mendelt
It does suck. I think that is why everyone is so heart broken for you and your family. I know I have wondered when I stop to think about how your day might be going if you are okay. It is a lot to handle. I hope for good days in spite of cancer.
Sherri d
January 31, 2008 at 11:37 am
Andrea O'Neill (Clark)
There is a really beautiful song by Fernando Ortego entitled “Give Me Jesus” and I won’t write all the lyrics down but the first verse says :
In the morning when I rise
In the morning when I rise
In the morning when I rise give me Jesus
Give me Jesus
Give me Jesus
You can have all this world but give me Jesus
I just thought of that song and thought that must be how you are feeling right now.
Andrea
p.s don’t worry about the whole “bagina” thing. My seven year old son still calls nipples, nibbles!
January 31, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Mieke
Here again a person who you don’t know. Long live the Dutch community! I read your stories everyday. When my best friend died two years ago and I would talk or cry about it, people would often respond to my cries with telling me he is in heaven. Even I knew this was true, sometimes it made me angry. I struggled with being allowed to grieve and to be sad. When Job loses everything earthly he cries out to God. He shouted, kicked and screamed. His heart his so heavy. Blessed be your Name he says in between his cries. He never doubts God is there. But he needs to fight the fight of faith. His heart loves God but his small mind cannot comprehend.
Grieving for the love of your life. Marisa is worth is all the tears. I pray for Gods strength for your life. Love & Peace.
Mieke Zwaan
January 31, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Jodi Mobach
I wish I could say that everything will be alright in time, but I know this is not your reality. Life has changed for you and the kids and yes that sucks. You Mendelt are a great parent and although each decision seems overwhelming, you do not do it alone. Your Father is with you always. Hold on to that. Remember that many lift you in prayer each day. Keeping you in prayer
Jodi
January 31, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Brandy D.V
Mendelt,
I continue to read the blog often, but tend not to reply. Not because I don’t care or have stopped praying because that is not true. I don’t feel that I can say anything that you haven’t yet heard or that may help you and your family make this transition any easier. You are so honest and sound so strong all at the same time. It is my prayer that God will continue to be at your side.
Brandy
January 31, 2008 at 8:45 pm
Peter Terpstra
Hi Mendelt
I agree what you said it sucks My heart grieves for you deeply I lost my wife seven years ago It hurts! Your words are honest and God grieves with you. I grieve for your children. I pray for you and your children. I have said enough mabye someday we will meet.
February 1, 2008 at 12:20 am
Erica
…praying God will hold you up while you experience each and every “new” normal. We can “hear” your hurt and grief…. we are listening…..keep sharing …. so we can keep praying!
February 1, 2008 at 7:54 am
Neeke en René
Dear Mendelt,
I believe you: a lost like you have after losing Marisa must be terrible. I can’t say I can imagine how it must feel, but I believe you.
That’s why we keep on praying for you and your kids, for a good life in spite of cancer, with beautiful memories of the one you all miss so much!
Love,
Neeke and Rene
February 1, 2008 at 8:19 am
Robyn Bezuyen
Sometimes all we need is to fall apart. Down on our knees weeping for all that is gone. For all that will never happen because of how our lives took a left when we clearly envisioned going right. Crying out that “this isn’t fair” and yet knowing deep down that we souldn’t have expected fair in the first place. The future is so different than we imagine that it is hard to continue in a forward motion. Mendelt – take your time to be weak. You have a heavy load to carry right now and I will never understand exactly what you are going through, even with your entries, but I understand pain and frustration and a future totally different than you envisioned it. So crumble and cleanse yourself with tears and then you can be built back up until the next wave. Keep hold. A little quip I came across – Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, but it is about learning to dance in the rain.
Hope. Peace. Patience.
Your sister in Christ
Robyn Bezuyen
February 1, 2008 at 3:41 pm
marlene langendoen
Sometimes it feels that “thoughts and prayers” are not enough. We read your entries and feel a fraction of your pain, yet we are not walking “the road”. We can try to relate but everyone’s pain is unique. May you continue to find the strength to face each day knowing that the Lord is with you. May each new day give you all you stand in need of and more.
Thank you again for sharing your heart; it’s in sharing that we can pray with continued purpose.
In Christ,
Marlene Langendoen
February 1, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Harriett
Hi Mendelt- Just want you to know that we are still thinking about you and the children and praying for you every day. You’re right in saying that this sucks… it absolutely does! I’ve never lost a spouse thank God but I have lost a young sister, brother, and nephews and I know that there is just that horrible empty ache that is there first thing in the morning when you wake and you wonder why this has to be. I have no answers but I still believe that God loves us and holds us. Hang in there. We are still holding you up in prayer.
February 1, 2008 at 4:35 pm
Becky
Dear MdH,
I’ve been visiting your blog for awhile now, just coming around every so often to “check” on how y’all are doing. Without exaggeration, I can say that every single post touches my heart and makes me wish I could do something to ease your pain and nudge your brutally honest and brilliant sense of humor into full-time laughter.
I have no advice, no extraordinary wisdom to impart. Just this to say — you are a light to many. You inspire me and I have no doubt that you inspire many others. Please know that these many hope and pray for great and wonderful things for you and your sweet children!
~B
February 1, 2008 at 6:11 pm
Melissa Koning
One of the earlier posts reminded me of this song, so I thought that I would post the lyrics as an encouragement. You are continually in my prayers, we serve an amazing God who will never leave us.
God Bless,
Melissa Koning
“Praise You In This Storm”- Casting Crowns
I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it’s still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
“I’m with you”
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
Chorus:
And I’ll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can’t find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away
Chorus
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
Chorus
February 1, 2008 at 7:29 pm
Roslyn
It is terrible, so hard, so lonely. I’ll never fully understand what or how you feel or what you are going through.
There is something more terrible though, your children without you. They need you to be as strong and as loving as possible. Mendelt this is the reality of your loss. Go through the emotions, let the frustration out in constructive ways, the blog speaks your feelings. But it helps to get support back; back to you and your beautiful children.
You are finding the strength, the courage and the support to work through the terrible times. Yes, there will be more. Take each day, each memory, each step — cherish and love them. Frustrations and all.
Marisa is there watching and loving you all the more. She knows that you will be there for your children.
You are lonely, a giant gaping hole is inside your heart. Make sure you fill it with love. Small steps at a time.
Love, hope, prayer & peace
Roslyn
February 1, 2008 at 9:06 pm
Jennifer Geerts Brennan
Are you familiar with the singing group Ernie Haase & Signature Sound? They are a wonderful gospel group. Their most recent album is Get Away Jordan; it has a couple of songs that deal with death and heaven. Perhaps their music can speak to you in ways that our not-so-eloquent words can’t.
February 1, 2008 at 9:11 pm
The Pots
words fail… but we keep praying.
“Roads” seems to know your world better than many of us…
..other than Jesus
SPot
February 2, 2008 at 10:02 am
R&G
Dear Mendelt! After reading your words……..it made me feel so sad for you. AGAIN thank you for sharing those words to us. We are not going thru what you are going thru, yet we can be reminded over and over to think, and continue to pray for you. I think that it is so beautiful that you and Marisa have done so much together as a couple and as parents to your beautiful, lovable children. And the love that you had for each other was so obvious! Now that you are doing this by yourself……………..it brings back so many memories of how things use to be. But Mendelt from all that you share with your feelings and thoughts and concerns you are doing a great job with your children. Appreciate that you TRY…. to do what you can for your children. May God help you thru this. God understands everything! Pray that God will continue to bring you comfort, strength, love, peace in all that you are going through. You are all special to us! R&G
February 2, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Jeni
Mendelt,
I totally understand how you feel. It’s a different world, being a single parent. Marisa shines on in the faces of your precious babies.
February 2, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Leanne Riebot
I know there is nothing anyone can say that will fix this,
So all im going to say, is leave it in God’s hands.
Im praying for you so, so much.
God bless,
Love:Leanne*
February 2, 2008 at 8:18 pm
Annette and Rob Schreuders
The blog is called “Life” for many reasons and one is so that you may experience LIFE ( and not only have A life) in spite of cancer.
When I read the quote above from the song “Give me Jesus”, I remembered that I first heard and learned that song when Marisa played it at Dundas Calvin Chr. Sch. when she was shining her light brightly there.
I believe you when you say so many things “suck” right now, but Jesus is the LIFE and He is giving you life right now too and is with you every step of the way; actually HE’s holding you right now and carrying you.
–Praying for you, every day,
Annette
February 2, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Sandie N.
Your words are deep my friend. They cut right to the core of it all. They bring your world to my living room, right out of this computer screen. I feel your pain. I cry with you Mendelt. I am sorry your family is going through this and I hold you all up in prayer.
February 3, 2008 at 9:06 am
Julie Pilling (Oosterloo)
Have you ever heard of bumper bowling? Well if you take the kiddos to the nearest bowling alley you’ll find they have these neat blow-up hotdogs shaped thingys that they stuff into the gutters. These allow the kids to throw the ball down the lane without fear of losing it in the gutter. The ball can move slow or fast, it might go straight or it might just hit every square inch of that bumper all the way down…but no matter which way it goes it will end up at its intended spot, to do its intended job.
This terrible journey of grief that you are on right now is sort or like that bowling alley Mendelt. You and the kids have to go down the alley…you’ve been hurtled there by forces beyond your control and you have to go down alone…to some extent…
Let us be your bumpers Mendelt. Take all the time you need to ride down the alley…fast or slow…but what ever you do…don’t try to go it straight and completely alone. We’ll cushion you the best we can…we can’t promise it won’t hurt just a bit….but we’ll do the job we’re meant to….to get you to your intended spot…doing your intended job as Dad, Teacher, Musician, and Friend.
It would be…no it IS an honour to be one of your hotdog shaped bumper thingys.
With continured Love and Prayers,
Jules
February 3, 2008 at 10:07 am
Wally
Hoek,
I think of you often, but especially when I find myself pushed to the limit with the kids, like when the baby is sick and Bianca acts up at the same time. Then I think of you. I wonder how you are faring. I have a feeling that you are well supported by your families, but they can’t always be there, not in the wee hours of the night anyway, when soothers tend to drop. You are an amazing person Mendelt, and I’m glad I know you as a source of inspiration.
Wally
February 4, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Loni
Thank you for sharing your heart, again. Until one goes through such deep grief, it is not understood by others how it touches every segment of our lives. I cannot remember if I shared this before with you, but C.S. Lewis wrote this after the death of his wife:
“Getting over it so soon? But the words are ambiguous. To say the patient is getting over it after an operation for appendicitis is one thing; after he’s had his leg off it is quite another. After that operation either the wounded stumps heals or the man dies. If it heals, the fierce, continuous pain will stop. Presently he’ll get back his strength and be able to stump about on his wooden leg. He has “got over it.” But he will probably have recurrent pains in the stump all his life, and perhaps pretty bad ones; and he will always be a one-legged man. There will be hardly any moment when he forgets it. Bathing, dressing, sitting down and getting up again, even lying in bed, will be different. His whole way of life will be changed. All sorts of pleasures and activities that he once took for granted will have to be simply written off. Duties too. At present I am learning to get about on crutches. Perhaps I shall presently be given a wood leg. But I shall never be a biped again.”
February 4, 2008 at 11:27 pm
Margaret Van der Meulen (Van der Veen)
Praying for you and the kids everyday.
You are a good dad to your children…like Reny said…you have great communication with your kids (it’s so obvious by all the things you say about them).
February 11, 2008 at 10:36 pm
candacelagerwerf
Mendelt,
I am continually praying for you each day and each night. I can’t even begin to understand the loss of someone so close – a wife – let alone, a wife like Marisa. I’m praying for you Zion, Jacoba and Zekijah as well…
Rest in the power of prayer. For we know that there is no greater power than this. Praying for you today, and every day.